Almost 37 years now! Steve and I still love and enjoy each other. We have three amazing children, all married, and four remarkable grandchildren, who call me Jeedoo.
We know it is God’s grace that we have continued to truly delight in our life together. But there are some truths that have contributed to our peace and joy. I will share just three of them, with a few specifics in each. The three realities: We are compatible. We are complementary. We are complimentary.
I talked about the first two in post 1-compatible and post 2-complementary. In this third article, I will talk about how we are complimentary.
We are complimentary.
This word, spelled with an “i”, means, among other things, “to respect and to speak well of.”
I think one of the most destructive things husbands and wives do is speak ill of each other—to each other, to others, in complaining, in anger, even in jest. Which is so sad, since this person is the most important one in your life or my life.
Here are three arenas in which we seek to live out“complimentary” as much as we can:
In public
We are careful to always speak of each with love and respect, which we don’t find difficult because we do love and respect each other.
We often tell stories of our lives together, and sometimes we joke a little—especially about our long dating relationship, always careful not to be hurtful. We truly appreciate the character and lifestyle of the other, and we make sure our public words always reflect that. Sometimes I am amazed at the kind and affirming things Steve says about me. I find it easy to talk about the incredible and humble person he is.
In prayer
We pray for each other. A lot. We ask each other what prayer is needed. We pray then, and continuing. Steve often asks how he can be a better husband to me, then asks God to enable him to do that. I do the same for him.
When we see an area of challenge or struggle in the other, we pray more than give advice. An important prayer lesson that has helped me tremendously is to always pray for, not against. It’s so easy to see something we don’t like, even in a spouse, and to pray against that “problem.” Instead, we find it is better to pray for the godly characteristics we desire to see developed. God knows what to do with it.
In encouragement
One of the best parts of our marriage is how we encourage each other!! We believe in the other. We are supportive when God gives the other a ministry assignment. For example, we have both written books. For one to focus on writing, the other has to pick up more on family needs.
Sometimes one of us will have to sacrifice for the other to say yes to an opportunity. We view each other’s responsibilities and callings as equally important and we partner together to make them happen. I never get over how much Steve believes in me, and am so grateful for his help and encouragement. His affirmation of who I am and what I can do is amazing! I pray I encourage him as much.
Be assured, our marriage is not perfect. I am often strongly opinionated, even stubborn. Steve can be pretty focused on what he is doing. But we seek out the other’s ideas and input as we make decisions together. We have worked through lots, laughed and cried together, and learned so much from each other. These truths—being compatible, complementary and complimentary—have been great helps along the journey, giving us a beautiful blessed alliance.
What about you? Are you compatible with your mate? Do you both complement and compliment each other? If you are not married and hope to be, are these characteristics on your “list to be and look for”?
c2012 Judy Douglass
I enjoyed theses posts very, very much and shared them. Thank you.
So glad you enjoyed them, Kathy, and very grateful that you have shared them.
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I believe that we do complement and compliment each other. Emilee is very complimentary and I think that our different strengths and weaknesses complement each other very well. I know one of the things that I have to learn better, you wrote about a little in this one, and more in the previous post, I need to listen more than I need to try to fix, sometimes. I like to fix things. I am pretty quick at seeing a good point of view, or an answer to a lot of interpersonal issues, and want to help by setting a clear path an direction or answer that will “fix” everything. I know I need to pray more, and step back and let Emilee or whoever I am talking to at the times that I do this, set their own path, or grow in learning how to find the “right” (for the situation) path. I find this especially difficult though, when the situations do involve me, perhaps usually backhandedly, and I can see what is coming up around the bend, and want to mitigate those issues by correcting the ones right in front of me, as presented by whatever the situation is. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I know that often, if Emilee is in a situation, I see a clear “logical” response, because my emotions more constrained (I have great emotional responses, but I try my best not to be emotional when I need to think and try not to think (this one is hard) when it’s time to feel–this is my area of needed growth). I, also, know that if the situation does not get handled, it will come back again and potentially worse, if the issues are with people that I will have to deal with the rest of my life (ie, her family)
Russ, keep on asking God for wisdom on when to be quiet and when to speak up.
Judy,
These have been great. Emily and I have been laughing about how much we are like you and Steve. Thank you for writing these. It really is an encouragement to others!
Thanks, Matt. When is your wedding?
Oh Judy, this is my favorite part:
“Sometimes one of us will have to sacrifice for the other to say yes to an opportunity. We view each other’s responsibilities and callings as equally important and we partner together to make them happen.”
I don’t think I even knew to look for or desire this in a mate when I was single, but it is one of the greatest blessings of my marriage now. I am amazed at how much Jason is willing to “sacrifice” for me to participate in the mission, and even more thankful that he doesn’t even see it as a sacrifice. We often say that we look to maximize our family’s ministry and, just as you described, that sometimes means a sort of taking-turns depending on the opportunities before us.
Thanks for being such a great example of this!
Tj, you are blessed. It is not what is taught, and thus not the norm. But what a joy and blessing it is!! Happy for you.
[…] « 3 Realities that Have Helped Us Have a Great Marriage (1)-Compatible 3 Realities that Have Helped Us Have a Great Marriage (3)–Complimentary […]
These posts have been an encouragement and a challenge to me. I see how compatible my husband and I are and how much we complement one another–after reading the first post I said to Mark, “We’re a lot like Steve and Judy!” I am challenged to grow in complimenting my husband–especially in the area of prayer. Thank you for spurring me on!
Thanks, Kristi. I love to spur people on to grow–including myself. Blessings.
I enjoyed reading your posts, Judy! Made me excited about my own marriage, which is truly a blessing from the Lord. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. God bless you and Steve with more fruitful and faithful years together!
Judy,I really enjoyed this glimpse into your “journey” together with Steve. I very much appreciate your example as a “blessed alliance”. You are an encouragement to me. May God continue to protect and bless your marriage!
I wish that is the message people would teach and hear. It’s the way the good marriages I observe operate.
I agree! And I am beginning to “teach” it more too… did you get to see my Advocacy blog? If you have a chance, I would love to know what you think. 🙂 http://maturitascafe.com/2012/01/31/moving-towards-advocacy/
Great work, Terry. Love it.
Oh Judy
You are so right about these things. We all need to slow down and smell the roses! These three things could pretty much keep a marriage strong! Thank you for your wisdom and knowledge
Sherry, I love having you as a friend–and fan! Yes, they have made a difference for us.
It’s very remarkable what I just read and learnt about how you both make maintain a great marraige. I am at a position where I want to give up on my marraige. We’ve been married tradionally and we were planning to sign in 2 months. It’s very in important to let God be the centre of our lives as you’ve indicated. I believe in God but wouldn’t say I have a very strong relationship with Him. Sometimes I think that is why I don’t realise when He talking and guiding me in life. I need to find a way to build my relationship with my God before I depend on someone else. I want to fix my life honestly.
Thank You very much for you message. It has built me and given me a bit of hope I’ve lost in life and love
May God make himself very real to you. May He become your greatest love. And from that strong relationship may He give you a sweet relationship with your husband.