As parents we have responsibility to love, nurture, provide, teach and train our children to become responsible, moral, hardworking, creative, authentic adults and contributors to society. Most of us try to do something like that, with varying degrees of competency and success.
But I’ve found that God seems to have an equally important role for our children in our lives. I will try to share a few of the things my kids have taught me. This lesson comes from my #2 child, Michelle.
My husband and I are fairly goal oriented. We both like to plan and check things off a list and feel like we have accomplished something at the end of the day.
We are both intentional. Most things we do have purpose and lead us to accomplishing things than matter to us.
We are both somewhat competitive. We love sports. We make up games to keep us motivated for things we need to do.
These are not the only things true of us—we have a relaxed side as well. But these are true.
When Debbie was born, it did not take us long to realize she fit right in—we saw glimpses of the same values and tendencies from an early age.
When Michelle was born, it did not take us long to realize that Michelle was not like this at all. She was a lover of people, not accomplishments. She was an artist, an actress, a listener. She wasn’t in a hurry and she hated competition. She loved the journey, and the destination usually didn’t matter. (See Enjoy the Journey.)
This caused frustration between Debbie and Michelle. Debbie wanted everything to be a contest; Michelle refused to engage that way. Debbie wanted active play; Michelle preferred quiet play. Debbie wanted a neat room; Michelle was content with clutter.
Debbie and Michelle
It also caused frustration between Mom and Dad and Michelle. I thought we should be on time ; Michelle took her time. Dad loved coaching his girls in soccer; Michelle was on the team for her friends. We knew our girls would do well in school; Michelle was bright and excelled, but she was not driven.
I was talking with a friend who was a counselor about our struggle to be good parents to Michelle when she approached life so differently. She gave me a great analogy:
“It’s like your family speaks German. You, your husband and Debbie are fluent in German. Michelle speaks French. She has tried really hard to learn German, but it isn’t her mother tongue. The rest of the family tries to speak French with her occasionally, then quickly reverts to native German.
“It’s okay for Michelle to speak French.”
That was a turning point for me. I accepted that Michelle didn’t have to be like the rest of us. I began to change my language with her. I quit chiding her to hurry, she quit playing soccer, I found an art teacher for her, I quit telling her TV (which she loved) was junk food for her mind, I took her to art festivals.
It took time, but I really began to let her be who God created her to be.
I began to believe: It’s okay to speak French.
What about you? Do you live or work with someone who approaches life differently? How can you encourage them to speak their natural language?
C2012 Judy Douglass
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Love the analogy, Judy. It’s a lonely business being a French speaking child in the German speaking world.
So true, Gordana.
I have heard you tell this story before, Judy, and I loved it then! I am so glad it is here in print, because I have paraphrased it many times for others – now I can send along the “original” to them! Such grace-filled, accepting, loving perspective!
Yes, it applies in families and many other relationships.
Great little piece, Judy. Enjoyed it immensely.
Thanks, Marcy!
Love that wisdom. Each of our boys speaks a different language! We are still learning to translate.
Praying for that translation now.
I read this for the first time sitting in the amphitheater at Arrowhead Springs when my now 22 year old first born was an infant. Though I did not yet know which ‘language’ she would speak, the wisdom of your words made a difference in how we have parented. Many times, I thought “my child is speaking a different language” and I’ve prayed to be able to translate what I needed to communicate and learn something of their languages. 🙂 I, too, have retold your story to others and am so thankful you shared it!
Thanks, Gay. So glad to share and learn from each other.
What a great story! We’ve got a French speaker in our family, and I’m not talking about his verbal skills!
I’m discovering lots of families have French speakers, or maybe Italian or Swedish.
‘Love this! We have a “French speaking” daughter in a “German-speaking” family, and it has taken me years to understand her and learn how to cheer her on. We are in SUCH a better place with our relationship now that she feels free to be who God made her to be! Thanks for sharing, Judy.
Really important, isn’t it?!
Thank you for sharing, Judy… Three of my children speak the family language but the other two speak French!! At first, I tried to make them speak our language but, as time went by, I learned that God had made them that way with a purpose so, I started to stop trying to change them.
Love it! Thank you.
You are so welcome, Kathy.
I just forwarded this post to Mark and to my children. I am so on Michelle’s page. The rest of the family speaks German, although Bethany is becoming bi-lingual. This is a great analogy. Thanks for writing.
That bilingual stuff is a challenge, but wonderful when you can do it.